Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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