good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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