I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
