if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
