I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
