Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
