god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
