i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
