I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
