So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
