My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
