what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize