I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
