Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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