My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
