I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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