...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
