I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
