So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
