he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
