Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize