she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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