Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
