Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
