I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
