you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
