The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
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