I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
