You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
