Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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