I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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