Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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