Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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