I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
