She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
