if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
