Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize