i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
