She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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