The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
