i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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