I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
