i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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