Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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