It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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