I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
