it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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