how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize