This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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