Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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