rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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