I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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