her vagine was all disorganized.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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