We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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