Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
