I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
