we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
