I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
