And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I need moral support for this bender
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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